Rejigging

It's been a long, long time since my first post. You may recall an obtusely sized scatter gun attempt at a follow up made up of an essay i handed in for uni and fan boi enthusing about La Quiete, and that's quite enough of that. Not that i don't enthuse about La Quiete because i do, a lot, i just feel this blog such begin to take a more constructive, creative and far more maintained bent.

First off, bare basics out of the way. I'm back in Northwich, home of the interesting and the few. Got me a job down Bunbery way potwashing for a princely price with tips. Not bad. I have a friend to thank of course and it was sheer luck i got it. Handy that really.

Besides potwashing my way into the black whilst spending my way into the red (a leeds ticket, new amp and just generally being a reluctant but active bitch-slave to the consumer sandwich that is the spending sprees just to get by), i have been attempting to understand the faint but very real misogyny within. Now i'm not classing myself as a woman hating sadist who believes the enwombed's rightful place is in the kitchen, far from it. Or am i? Ever since i can remember i've always aimed to be for equality. I've had my moments as we all do and i'm in no way saying that, up until recently, i thought of myself as a paragon of truth, justice and virtue, i just can't help but feel a nag in my head that has unlocked a few dark hidden home truths.

I view women as sex objects. Not actively. There is no hunting, goading or belittling going on, i just measure any interactions with the opposite sex against attraction - not my attraction to wanting to fuck her as, honestly, i'm very very happy with the girl i'm with - and this revelation has knocked me off my precarious pedestal of being a good, modern, 21st century, liberal bloke somewhat. I'd love to blame this all on Nuts and Zoo, on porn and the advertisement industry but that's all bullshit and scapegoats saved for those who can barely form opinions without copying and pasting the daily fail, let alone admit to being a fuckwit.

Somewhere along the way, in my mind, i began to patronise women. My other half is shouted down a million times before any eek of a good idea is raised to my attention. It seems my default reaction is a "...that's nice dear" followed by chest beating manly man-ness gorilla thump, some nodding and then a self pat on the abstract back for a masturbatory spectacle well done.

Standing there, at work; grime up to my elbows and swimming in dirty pots and pans i began to ponder why this happened and what i can do to revert this perversion of my mind. I've always been a bit flirty and almost always been into the opposite sex. I used to worry i wasn't blokey enough, that's for sure. I've now found out that almost everyone was called a "gay" at school at some point but i was always a little weird and different; into the bands no one had heard of, playing computer games, collecting warhammer.... blah blah blah. I grew to like being the outsider of course and i don't regret having experienced any of my childhood/school time regardless of how much i cringe when i look back now. I definitely did pump up my chest and tried to throw on the lad routine a bit more to fit in though. Still, that doesn't sit right with me. Even in school i was friends with cleaver, talented and witty girls and i never attempted to repress or shun them. We were friends because they were interesting not because i wanted to hump them, although i was a teenage and anything with the slightest hint of a vagina got at least a passing, desperate thought of course.

Rugby? Nah. It's not that. I once cried on the pitch for god's sake.

I'm sitting here now at my computer and i just can't put my finger on what exactly it is that vomits through my mind and poisons my approach to women. It's not longing, hatred or anything negative. I've always been brought up to be a well mannered, gentleman; holding a door open, carrying some shopping, being polite etc. etc. but perhaps in my head this fucked things up somehow. I miss interpreted the information coming in and filed it away in some dusty, retarded cabinet full of odd socks, the place were our misconceptions live.

Am i treating being female as a disability? Has my deep seated desire to be a lovely, nice, kind man to women inversely made me a misogynist? "Don't worry your pretty little head..." is the closest i have to a cliched example of how my heads working at the moment. It's not right is it? I wax lyrically about how we should all have an equal opportunity, even for women. There should be no borders on opportunity when it comes to gender, only ability. No quotas or anything like that though, that'd score points for the other side.

Even though i am politically and socially aligned with the feminists, at the zoomed in personal level i can't help but keep slipping into this rut in my head. It's not only frustrating and annoying, it's embarrassing. This is not who i am and i don't like it.

-In Other News:

The fifth (or is it now sixth?!) iteration of The Black Mesa Incident begins practicing on Thursday. Exciting times!

I'm organising a rather large all dayer for Scarborough fresher's week on Saturday 3rd October. Hopefully we'll be able to secure the acts we've earmarked for headliners soon!

I got a 2.1 overall for my 1st year of BA Creative Music Tech at the University of Hull. Epic!

-Finally...

This blog should begin to take some shape and actually be updated now that i'm doing things with my time. Once i'm back in Scarborough i'll be posting podcasts of my radio show, any random songs i write (these could appear before i leave to go back to sunny Scarbs if i get round to it) and any gig reports, listings or 'zine-esque ramblings. Remember Scarboro'geddon? (I'm not sure whether i've already mentioned it on here...) Well it'll be back and bigger than ever next term under the control of the newly formed Scarborough Live Music Society. I'll post more when there's more to post!

Let's just hope it takes me slightly less time to follow up on this one eh?